Tuesday, July 24, 2012

DEEP THOUGHTS

THIS IS UNEDITED AND ALSO IT'S QUARTER TO 3 IN THE MORNING RIGHT NOW AS I'M HALFWAY THROUGH THE WRITING OF IT (2:45 FOR YOU AMERICANS) SO BEAR WITH ME.


Lately I've been dressing myself differently and trying to actively think about clothes and makeup and just generally how appearances make me feel/make other people feel. In relation to me, of course, because I'm a self-absorbed teenager.

I kind of went through a phase of dressing for other people- I would try to make myself look appealing, 'normal'-whatever that means- and as bland as possible. It actually didn't work that well because I seem to have a different view of what normal teenage dressing is compared to other people. Like, some of my friends wouldn't wear dresses to go out because it wasn't a special occasion? I treat my whole life as a special occasion.

Anyway, I'm over that because during that phase I was just really vulnerable and insecure and whatnot as a result of some personal problems. I have since moved on! Awesomeness! I'm starting to wear whatever the fuck I want again!

I think that now that I'm wearing what I actually want to wear, it's making me feel better about myself. I suppose to some people this might seem shallow (it's totally not, because clothes and makeup are valid forms of self-expression, mother.) but when I look exactly how I want to look, I feel untouchable. I feel great.
It's about control, I guess- my dad recently asked me if I minded people looking at me (I had purple hair, blue eyeliner and a bright green cardigan on, so I was fairly colourful and bright) and I realised I didn't.
See, people are going to look at you anyway. More so in China, because OMG WAI GUO REN, but even in England- people look at people. It's just a thing that happens. I told my dad, "They're going to look anyway, I may as well give them something to look at." but that was just a flippant response and it's kind of more than that. I mean, it's cool to be able to make somebody look at you twice because you're brightly coloured or whatever, but that's not everything.

I can control how I present myself to the world and that feels really amazing after not having control over so many things for such a long time (the personal problems). If I want to wear a low cut top and little girl bunches, I can and I know that how I look that day is a deliberate choice on my part. It's nice to be able to exercise power over your own body. It kind of transforms clothes and makeup into more than themselves, it turns them into what feels like armour. It's like a statement- I've chosen to look like this and I want to look like this and you have no bearing on that. I guess you could say choosing how you look is a way of expressing that you have bodily autonomy and you have CHOICE, and that's pretty powerful in this society where catcallers and the media and legislation and just PEOPLE try to take that away .

I will probably edit/extend/delete this tomorrow,

Hannah

P.S. fun fact: purple/black lipstick tends to intimidate/scare people. probably green and blue too. will have to buy more makeup.

P.P.S. I've never been catcalled myself ( thank god, because I'm terrible at reacting to things like that. I usually react to open leering/comments on my body or appearance from people at school with physical violence, apparently comical anger or vaguely passive-aggressive replies). I don't think it's as  common in China, but I'm not sure.


No comments:

Post a Comment

you can tell us we're weird, its ok. comment away!